I WISH I CAN

MY FIRST CIGARETTE When I lit My First Cigarette, A nocuous pernicious disease, Tends to cease. The flow of thoughts were impending, Tranquility was forthcoming. The deleterious gases, Were hovering, converging, Alike a baneful superstition, An ominous treason. As the wind rushed past me, Nature resonated in existence, Echoed in persistence, Devastated, without the science of conscience. The bright light of nature, Was the real venture. The endless nights of wonder, The glorious days of whisper, Where the vocals ceased, The sound deceased. The surly society raised, a garrison seize. My brain was composing infinite structures, The nothingness inside of me exploded wonders. Big Bang led to the doors of perception, Life was under the auspice of, Ominous deception, a malevolent inclination, For mass destruction. The disintegration of nature, Was into the void of emptiness, Which embezzled happiness. My surroundings blurred, As the flame unfurled. (Hissssssss…..) Smoke was sighted, as the sparks ignited. Random citizens of this earth have a very bad habit of judging a person based on his appearance and his habits, whereas it should be the other way round and the real judgment should take place based on the basis of how a person is from, deep down in his heart. In fact we should create such a personality, where the person in front of us won’t be afraid of us, rather RESPECT us. As it is said respect is something which is not given, but it is something which is earned. Appearance does play an important role in the amount of respect we earn from other people. On this note I would like to end day 2..with so much to learn from little children. As far as my smoking is considered I did break my vow of not smoking, and I will have to pay for it sooner or later. I also gained knowledge of, the real reason of my proclivity to smoke, I guess I will be able to work on this aspect now and try to get over this ‘wannabe cool’ image of mine with a cigarette in my hand, from my head. As smoking never makes anyone cool, but instead tobacco is something which kills and causes cancer, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, smoking does not make you strong. DAY 3 Today was my last day at MIT, as I was supposed to head back home tonight. Hence, I went early in the morning for a run, which I generally don’t, but it was my last day in Manipal, before I went for these really long vacations for as long as 3 months and that very feeling compelled me to go for a run. As I passed by the park, where I halted for a while to take a break, I saw a boy(around 5 years old). I closely observed him run and I could feel that happiness in his heart. His heart was analogous to a veil which was full of contentment (content with life and its virtues), I watched him run as his heart danced to its own music, there was an external stimulus as well, which instigated happiness into the kid’s heart, that source of energy as I could conclude, was none other than his own mother. Whenever he saw his mother the energy which he displayed was unbelievably homologous, to the energy he had throughout his preceding round, as I started to wonder, what was this strange force? Where did this kid acquire the energy to run? Later, it struck me. This might be the same energy, the same happiness which I gain, when I see my mother after a long and a tiring day. The very moment I see my mother some sort of energy, some strange force, some unknown feeling of care, which is moreover like a question rather than an answer, that where does it actually originate from? Poses itself right in front of my eyes and I am clueless about what could be the possible answer to it. Then it helps me rejuvenate that very second and it’s so strange to imagine, that I was exhausted that very preceding second, and now I am so full of energy just by capturing a glimpse of that one person. That one person is none other than my own mother, who gave birth to me, who endured all that pain just to witness my existence. That bonding is so tough to understand, that how can someone love her children so much and yet expect nothing in return from them. That emotion is what is called love, a feeling which makes you do anything for the person whom you love the most. Love is a kind and a passionate commitment that we nurture and develop, even though it usually comes to us at such an unexpected time, when our perspective wouldn’t even recognize its presence, but what matters is our plan of action, when we realize its existence in our lives. For me, I guess it had happened only once, when I felt that magical feeling of love, people say love is blind, physicists explain it as a biological condition, psychotherapists differentiate it into different sub categories where love is an umbrella organization imbibing all other feelings related to care, whereas novelists find it as a basic drive for all great novels, no matter what they say one thing is common for all. Love is something which is easily experienced than defined, as the nuns say. When I first felt it, I was in college. It was my first day and I had computers in the afternoon. As I never really developed a liking towards computers, my disinterest in the lab was brazenly blatant. My teacher furiously allocated me a seat next to a girl; The first thing I told myself was “I just hope this one is smart”. After a few weeks, I eventually understood that she was smart, though she never really accepted it. She thought it was all fake, I was fake, my words are fake, “How can someone be so nice to me?” Was her question. I did not know what to do for an answer, as being nice to her was the only way I knew of communicating with her. I knew that there was something different in her, something which the other girls I had previously encountered did not have in common, but whatever it was...I had started to take a liking to it. I never actually understood why I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I remember my sister told me once, “When you cannot stop thinking about a person, you are IN LOVE”. I could not digest the fact, how is it possible that we start unconditionally loving a person even when the fact is clearly evident that for them, we as a priority stand much lower in their list than what we can actually imagine it to be. If not everyone, at least I foolishly followed my heart where my brain kept reminding me of the blunder that I was about to commit. Does love understand that?? Does love have any boundaries?? Does it follow any rules and regulations?? nah..I don’t think so. APOLOGIZE Why isn’t sadness an option anymore? Why isn’t happiness my ally, no more? Will this sorrow haunt me for the rest of my life? Or will I witness the dawn? That will break my obscurities into light. Is what I asked myself every single day of my life, Where the expectation for an answer would never give in, I was all alone, waiting at the forever inn, What I failed to recognize, was that the answer was right in front of my eyes, “You cannot change the way people treat you. What you can change is, how you react” Hence I realized, Reluctant to believe, How can she not see the love which was so very pure and serene. If given a chance, all I would want to do is apologize to her, For not being that prince charming she had so truly longed for. Cold hearts win the war, Magnanimous ones lose, But at the end of the day, at the courtyard of god, All that matters is what you do. I was just a statistic, Which she ridiculed all the way through, Leaving behind a void in my heart, All I would want to be is just TRUE. Past can never bother you, Unless you want them to. All I would say is, whatever you did, My life’s still got to follow through. It doesn’t matter whether I live and die on this day, Or I live and die on any other day. My life will go on, and so will my quest, Until happiness is not found, I will not bow down to rest. Moving on has been a present continuous term for quite sometime now.