Anti-Corruption Compliance ~ Unfiltered

WARNING AND CMA DISCLAIMER Be warned! This is not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. It’s rude in some places, insulting in others and not your everyday book on anti-corruption compliance – hence the word ‘unfiltered’. This is a very frustrated compliance professional turned pirate, putting down on paper all of the information and thoughts she couldn’t say to corporate executives, wonder-bread lawyers, VPs and managers over the past few years. Some things I couldn’t say because I was trying to be professional and some because they just wouldn’t listen anyway! In all fairness, if you are penis-impaired, like me, it’s sometimes hard for some men to hear what you are saying over the sounds breasts make. Some things I didn’t say because swearing like a pirate and kicking people in the taint is frowned upon in the office… except in my head where it is a stress relieving, magical and soothing thing. Don’t judge me! Haven’t you ever been sitting patiently in meetings, appearing to be listening intently to some ego bullshit spewing out of an executive, or a wanna-be executive’s mouths – wondering ‘how did this person get THAT job!? Who does he have incriminating pictures of? Or just wondering why no one else can see or seems bothered that this idiot either doesn’t know what he’s talking about or is lying! Admittedly, I have been told that I have a less than effective poker face and have been caught more than once with an expression of, ‘are you kidding me!’ on my face. For the more obviously insecure of these little Caesars in these meeting, I’d have to act interested or convinced. I just threw up a little in my mouth as I wrote that because I could hardly ever manage a fake compliment – I am just not built that way. While attending such meetings there is always a very vulgar but fascinating voice in my head, the voice of my inner pirate. She would be swearing and hurling vile insults; promising to smash their pig faces into the desk, punch them in the throat or worse. The mental images of that imagined violence are what allowed me to keep a pleasant smile on my face during these bullshit group interactions. O-Ren Ishii knew exactly what to do when people start talking shit at the table. My official CMA disclaimer: If you are easily offended by the honest expression of real life frustration, dark thoughts, explicit language, questionable grammar, vivid images of violence, sarcasm, ill-mannered sarcasm, extremely vulgar sarcasm, or any other written forms of dark humor then put this book down and go watch Fox News while you and your dog play the peanut butter game again. However, if you can get past the crass nature of a pirate and just want some real life, usable information on anti-corruption compliance and don’t mind having a laugh or five as well, then hang in there. I promise to try to include some useful information and keep my rants directed towards a higher purpose. Sometimes you just have to speak up loudly and risk offending in order to get the message across. About speaking up… I had a male colleague who, for nearly two years had no idea what my face looked like. Every time he would talk to me he’d be staring intently at my boobs the entire time. I had tried turning slightly, crossing my arms across my chest, scarves, ducking my face down to get his eye contact, everything. Nothing got his eyes off my tits. No, this wasn’t exactly sexual harassment, because I had a duty to speak up and draw the line clearly if I was made to feel it was a hostile or uncomfortable work environment. Truthfully, up to that point, I hadn’t really done it. Hints don’t count when it comes to speaking up. I don’t think he actually even realized what he was doing, (he was a little dense), until one day I’d had enough and spoke up rather abruptly. I snatched a manila folder off my desk, held it in front of my chest and said rather coldly, “No matter how hard to stare at them, they are NOT going to talk to you.” A long drawn out pause while the lights slowly came on upstairs… and his eyes slowly moved up to my face for the first time. He blushed and without a word rushed off. He would not talk or even shoot me a side-ways glance for months, but the next time he did, he was staring intently at my face with his eyes wide and unblinking. I could see it was a struggle not to look at Thelma and Louise. It was like trying not to notice a huge zit on someone’s face, or focus on the ‘good eye’ when you’re having a conversation and the struggle is real! Because it’s just there! Your eyes just go there! You just can’t help but keep looking at it, you know it’s there! I had new respect for him after that though. I was made to feel uncomfortable for a nearly two years. Until I stopped hinting and just spoke up. It was awkward being around each other, but the fact that I could see he made an effort to change the unwanted behavior meant a lot to me. I understood his challenge. He is a man, and there were boobs in in front of him! I would suppose if dicks were hanging closer to men’s faces it might be kind of hard to NOT look as well. Lesson learned: speaking up on sensitive issues is not always easy. But it needs to be done, and done in a way that it makes a lasting impression leading to change. Professional is always preferable – even if it is less fun. But it doesn’t always work. Speaking up loudly definitely won’t make you popular, but then again real pirates don’t really care for congeniality points. And deep down, we’re all pirates. “Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be Pirates!” ~Mark Twain “Corruption, one way or another, will make pirates of us all.” ~ Z. Priest